Yesterday I had the first talk with Kerrie after the summer break. I told her what has been going on during the summer with my senior project and that I had changed my mind on how to write my book. As we went on with the conversation it got more and more emotional. I told Kerrie that I was afraid of writing the book, because of what the others will think.
When I am afraid, I feel locked up in a very narrow place. I feel alone. I don’t like the feeling of being afraid. Sometimes I am that afraid, that I can’t think about anything. Other times I am angry with myself, because I think that I should not be afraid of the situation I am in. Even if I was in the same situation a couple times, I will still be afraid. Other times I will try to calm myself. When I’m afraid I have a blockage. My brain “freezes up” and I have a blackout. I guess it can say that I am very unconfident with myself with the amount of fear that I have. A lot of things make me feel afraid, but mostly I’m afraid about people I am with not being satisfied with who I am or what I do.
There were a lot of people how made me feel “unworthy”. Sometimes therapists, but most of the time teachers I had. In almost every grade they would say that I’m not good enough. And when I was smaller, I saw children running around, playing and I would think to my self that I am not worth, because I am not able to walk and run around like they did.